Trying to put thoughts into words makes me feel as if I’ve never had an original thought. Everything I type seems trite, and I feel as if everything I’ve been saying this past week has been terribly mundane as well. It’s been an off-week overall, considering I was sluggish every day up until today. What may be even worse than being disoriented from lack of sleep is trying to take a practice SAT test while jacked up on caffeine.
It’s hard trying to put the feelings I’ve had this week into words. The overall gist is frustration, with hints of anger and confusion. I’ve finally decided to take the last SAT of this edition, and the overwhelming fear that causes in me makes me want to stop everything and watch four seasons of Law&Order. It’s terrible missing out on dinner with friends and lacking basic needs like exercise, but what would be worse is having to do this whole charade another time (if my score is still terrible).
And that’s the scariest part. Everyone has to take these kinds of standardized tests, but I feel like I’m the only one having such an issue and needing countless tutors. I don’t even mind the thought of taking the ACT, just because it’s not the SAT. But overall, I’d like to get out of this test rut. It’s making me feel terribly untalented, not just because I’m mediocre at it but also because it prevents me from doing other things that might make me improve my mood (namely watch Mr. Robot or make some more graphic design pieces).
If I could just muster enough energy to fully put in enough effort and get a better score, it would improve my life significantly. I’ve always made jokes that all my friends could turn on me, and I’d care more about this insane test than that, but slowly it’s becoming less of a quip and more of a belief. Not that I currently have no friends, but that what I’d give for a high score surpasses normal sacrifices.
I can tell I’m veering off topic (or at least off-title). It’s terrible knowing that whether I’m ready or not, the end is near. And that perhaps my sacrifices of sleep and fun have been in vain. Is this what being an adult is like? Knowing that you don’t have it together, and slowly caring less about not having it together? Anyways, being creative- or being sane- is slowly becoming impossible in this period of my life. I can tell I’m being as overdramatic as can be, but let me live. God knows the test-prep industry isn’t.